Actionable agreement
Changing the focus when there is disagreement
(I’m going to talk about professional disagreements here, rather than interpersonal or domestic ones, although I think there is much overlap)
It seems to be human nature that we place a lot of our focus on the things we cannot agree on - even in situations where there is a lot we do agree on. Often this distracts us from taking action that moves us forward. The disagreement can become increasingly entrenched as two (or more) sides rehearse it, often covering the same ground repeatedly but seeing it differently.
Why does it happen?
I think in many cases, it’s not very clear what the problem is or what is the best thing to do.
The objective ambiguity can drive subjective disagreement.
There is a cognitive bias that causes us to tend to interpret ambiguous evidence as supporting our position. So when the “other side” presents not-very-substantive arguments to support their position we can see it (or elements of it) as supporting ours. The other party experiences our not-very-substantive arguments the same way, driving both parties further from agreement. Sometimes we get lucky and some important point is made that lands and settles the matter, but once a disagreement has got going, this becomes increasingly unlikely.
I guess what happens is the area of disagreement becomes an emotive topic and becomes more salient in our minds than the other possible areas in which we could move forward. We are all to some extent competitive and if an entrenched disagreement goes on too long or goes too deep, it can become about “winning”. I think it’s important to avoid this outcome, because it can be difficult to repair.
I have a theory that the longer a party spends constructing a conceptual paradigm to support their argument, the harder it is for them to accept disconfirming evidence or argumentation.
What to do?
Beyond some initial discussion, once it becomes clear there is a fundamental disagreement and no quick resolution, there is not much point staying on the same ground: both parties will dig in.
Focus on finding something you can agree on and action.
In order to move past the disagreement you will need to listen to the other side. Often they will have an emotional need to feel heard, particularly if things have become heated. It may be that you do too. It’s important to get past these System 1 emotional blockers or you will not be able to have a rational System 2 conversation. If it’s not working, try another time. Pushing the topic just seems to entrench the disagreement.
When you are talking rationally and both sides have dealt with their need to feel heard, there is often not much point in going back to the area of disagreement. I try to simply acknowledged it and move on to try to find things we can agree on that we can take action on.
Why we need to take action
Professional disagreements are often about ambiguous situations where it is not clear what is the best course to take. Consequently, all courses have pros and cons and different courses will be selected by different people. If you can’t agree what to do relatively quickly, you probably need to perform small, low-risk experiments. These should either seek to shed more light on the matter or take a small step forward that can be reviewed (whether successful or not) and potentially built upon.
You can start by trying to identify areas you do agree on, e.g. we agree X is risky, we agree Y would be a bad outcome. Given all this, what do we agree we can do, even if it is just a small step that clearly doesn’t solve the whole problem - and might not even work?
It’s important to find an action we can agree to take for 2 reasons:
It takes the focus off what is coming between us (the disagreement) and places it onto what we are doing together about it. In effect, it helps put us on the same side with the same goal, albeit a limited one. Hopefully, we can build upon the goal, its outcome and the process of working together.
The situation is probably ambiguous. We probably need more information. We need to learn more about what works and what doesn’t in this situation. With more knowledge, we may be able to drive away some of the ambiguity and expand the area in which agreement and further action are possible.
Sometimes, of course, it turns out the thing we are trying to do is not tractable. Often we find this is a bit disappointing or see it as a failure but it is better to learn this and move on than be stuck arguing hypotheticals.